i want

to be written about

to be written to

to be written for

to be translated into words other than my own

being a mean girl at this age is embarrassing. it doesn’t make you prettier in any way. this energy just shows how rotten you are to the core and no amount of thirst traps and makeup can hide it. stop projecting the hate you feel inside to other people.

thinking you’re better than everyone else is the unhealed version of you winning. if you have nothing nice to say, don’t speak at all. spreading this negativity to make yourself feel better is just embarrassing. you’re not as cool as you thought you were. arrogance is a color that doesn’t look good on anyone and all that bitterness isn’t cute.

the fact that i’ll always be just “cute” kinda hurts my heart sometimes

(i want to be fucking hot too)

i am my own refuge

i will save myself every single time

i’m 2 days clean (by clean i mean deactivating instagram) and i surprisingly feel more liberated than anxious. did i have a withdrawal episodes? of course i fucking did. i hope this hiatus ends before it ends me. i sometimes just wish that everyone else will just deactivate so i can post in peace without the fear of being perceived. it didn’t feel like this before, it used to be fun, now everything feels “scripted” (not a fan of the word performative). there’s still the itch to keep opening the app out of habit but like any other addiction, the cutting is always the hardest. THIS IS WHY I NEED HOBBIES, something to preoccupy my mind. i hope i get hooked on something more physical like workin out or jogging but i physically can’t heighten cortisol levels that are already high.

another reason why i decided to disappear for a while is because i have this feeling of being stalked or like being watched. i know instagram has a way in revealing a person’s followings and interactions (trust me, i’ve seen in first-hand). i just don’t like the feeling of obsessing over this idea, it literally gives me stress that manifests physicallyyyyyy. i also felt the need to distance myself instead of being fixated on figuring out who it might be. i try to avoid drama at all costs but why is drama not avoiding meeeee what the hellyyyy

big emotions for big girl.

i hope this week treats me better.

i’ll go bald if it doesn’t.

all i want right now is to unclench my jaw 😭

if i could describe how ovulation feels like in my first year being 30 in one word, it would be FERAL.

i’ve never had intense symptoms in my early 20s (except acne), but now my period cramps are worse and my libido during ovulation is so fucking high i feel like an animal in heat. i am 🤏🏻 this close to biting a brick in half. i might need to tie myself to a fucking tree because right now i’m a werewolf under a full moon.

i think, biologically and evolution-ly(??) speaking, it’s my body begging me to have a baby. it’s like my baby oven threatening me that if i dont go make a baby right now, i’ll explode.

honestly, there should be a support group for 30-somethings during ovulation 😭 this is too much

limerence finally wearing off is like watching the fog clear in real time. with the haze clearing , everything’s overwhelmingly quiet and cold and you’re alone,

there’s a very lonely kind of sadness that comes with this clarity but being sincere with my feelings is something i wont ever regret… after all, what is life if not a pursuit of human connection?

peace can be sad and boring at first but i guess it’s just the price we pay for the temporary high we felt.

i swear once i get my skin fixed, learned how to do my makeup, lose weight, get my braces removed, cut my hair and fix my mental health it’s all over for ya’ll.

i never really played “bride”/ “mother” pretends as a child and it shows. i haven’t felt the need to be a mother or a wife at this big age, it would be nice if it happens but i wouldn’t mind it if it doesn’t. a lot of my friends are getting married and having kids but here i am planing what to do on my long weekend because what else is there for me to fucking do.

i’m not sure if i’m too comfortable being alone or if its because i haven’t met a person who has that husband/father-of-my-child potential. not gonna lie, not having a partner to share life with scares the bejesus out of me. people date to marry but i’m not sure if i have the energy for that. dating is already hard, marrying the wrong person is much much harder.

sometimes i regret not dating a lot when i was younger, i spent all my time being loyal in longterm relationshits, but it’s also a good thing since i think everyone has HIV. every guy just seems so nonchalant with wandering eyes, or broke, or too young, or married. i don’t want my sweet soul to rot just to be with someone, life’s too short for that. i want a love that drowns me with just enough space to breathe.

i did play “princess” a lot when i was younger, which probably sums up who i want to be and how i want to be treated haha